Self Preservation
by ImmortalFlick
Summary: Sirius has always loved James. In the name of self preservation he will never tell him. Slash. Marauders time.
1. Chapter One

Self Preservation  
  
ImmortalFlick  
  
Warnings: Slash. Mention of abuse.  
  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine. The song belongs to the Goo Goo Dolls and is 'Iris'.   
  
Summary: Sirius has always loved James. In the name of self preservation he will never tell him. Slash. Marauders time.  
  
A/N: I could easily write more chapters to this, so let me know if you want them.  
  
*  
  
Self Preservation - Chapter 1   
  
*  
  
I've always felt this way. For as long as I can remember I have loved him. But I can never have him. He is the untouchable. Above me. Beyond me. And all I will ever be to him is a friend. A good friend. But just a friend.   
  
*  
  
And I'd give up forever to touch you  
  
Cuz I know that you feel me somehow  
  
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
  
And I don't want to go home right now  
  
*  
  
I used to watch him. All the time. Just wishing I could kiss him. Or even just tell him how I feel. Remus has been watching me lately. He thinks I'm depressed. He's probably right. Then again, to anyone who knows me, depressed for Sirius Black is just him not bouncing off the walls.   
  
I'm not bouncing off the walls anymore. I can hardly lift my own two feat. James hasn't noticed. He's smitten with Lily. I suppose I can't blame him. She is very pretty. And smart. And serious. One thing I am not.   
  
Even old McGonagall has pulled me aside and asked what's wrong. I told her nothing but the old bat didn't believe me. She asked if I'd had an argument with Jamie. I said not exactly and asked why. McGonagall pointed out that we weren't exactly connected at the hip any more. James spends a lot of his time with Lily and the Marauders has practically been cut down to three.   
  
*  
  
And all I can taste is this moment  
  
And all I can breathe is your life  
  
Cuz sooner or later it's over  
  
I just don't want to miss you tonight  
  
*  
  
He looks so innocent when he sleeps. I wonder if he knows I watch him. I wonder if he'd hit me if he knew I did. My bed is across from his. I can hardly help but watch him. His eyes flutter. I wish he wasn't across from me, but with me. Next to me.   
  
Even if I did ever manage to kiss him, I know it would be the first and last time I'd ever get to touch him. He'd probably beat me up or something. Jamie wouldn't do that maybe, but he'd never talk to me again. I don't think he knows how much he means to me.   
  
*  
  
And I don't want the world to see me  
  
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand  
  
When everything's made to be broken  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
*  
  
I don't want everyone to know. Remus knows. I can see it. Maybe he can smell the way I feel whenever I see James. I hear werewolves can do that. Maybe he sees the way I look at Jamie. Remus is observant. Maybe he knows the way I rely on my friend.   
  
The world can tear me apart. My parents will. Disinherited. Disowned. Kicked out. Whatever you wanted to call it. My dad would probably beat me up first. He does that when he's really angry.  
  
I want to tell Jamie, but something stops me every time I try. There is no way he'll ever know. But how I wish he'd understand how I feel. Know why sometimes I just have to be alone. To shout and scream.  
  
*  
  
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
  
Or the moment of truth in your lies  
  
When everything feels like the movies  
  
Yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive  
  
*  
  
I don't want to cry in front of him. I can't anyway. Crying is weak. Remus looks at me funny more often now, as I back further and further away from the Marauders. He knows I love the meaning of the Marauders. The pranks. The laughter. The pure exhilaration.   
  
I lie to him when he asks. He lies back when he says he believes me. I think Remus just wants me to be happy again. I'd go to the ends of the earth to make Jamie happy and if leaving him to be with Lily and my being unhappy to achieve that, so be it.   
  
It hurts though. To see him kiss her. Touch her. Hug her. But it makes me feel more real to know that I'm hurting. For him.  
  
*  
  
And I don't want the world to see me  
  
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand  
  
When everything's made to be broken  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
*  
  
He knows how I feel. He must! I am slowly dying away with him away from me. He's been there all my life. I can't imagine a world without him. I may as well just die if he wasn't there.   
  
He isn't mine. He never will be. I can't hold him. I can't touch him. I can't be with him. I can't love him.  
  
*  
  
And I don't want the world to see me  
  
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand  
  
When everything's made to be broken  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
*  
  
I suppose it's an act of self preservation to run. To run and hide. To lie. To pretend. I can't be bothered pretending to be me any more. I'm not the same Sirius. Not without Jamie.  
  
Remus and I had a talk yesterday. He told me that if I can't be happy, try to find it elsewhere. That's how I confirmed that he knows. His message was rather cryptic, strange and all together said in a funny way, but it was clear enough. He wanted to save me.  
  
From what? Was I going to jump off a cliff? Who knew what I was going to do? I certainly don't. There's nothing special about Sirius Black when he's bouncing off walls, he's okay then. But when he's calm, oh there's worry. I guess that's what's expected of me. When I'm calm it usually means that something's really wrong. I was calm when I was sorted into Gryffindor. That summer father beat me up a few times. He was mad. I'd disgraced the family. Thank Merlin I'm good at magic. If I was a squib... I don't even want to think about it.  
  
*  
  
And I don't want the world to see me  
  
Cuz I don't think that they'd understand  
  
When everything's made to be broken  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
*  
  
Again, I say, I've always felt this way. I can't remember a time when I haven't loved James Potter with all my heart. I suppose I always will.   
  
And it will be an act of self preservation to run from him. To hide and to lie. I suppose it always will.   
  
But when he's gone... then I'll know. Then I'll know I'd never have told him how I felt. Never have told him how much he meant to me. But then, I suppose it won't matter. He has Lily.  
  
*  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
I just want you to know who I am  
  
*  
  
Was that: Great? Good? Bad? Terrible? Wait no, don't tell me if you hate it, I can't stand flames. Hope you enjoyed it. Do you want another chapter? Hmmm. If there are enough good reviews... (was that motivation enough?). Please review. 


	2. Chapter Two

Self Preservation  
  
ImmortalFlick  
  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine. The song is 'I Want Love' by Elton John.  
  
Thanks:  
  
TouchstoneoftheCharter: Thanks. Excellent. I am continuing, I don't know if this will meet expectations but too bad.  
  
Silice-Black: Thank you. Soon. Very soon. Keep reading.  
  
absinthe-shadow: Great. Here ya go, not sure 'bout so much angst in this chappie but later.  
  
Prongs1: Thank you heaps, this is the second, there will be a few more. Thanks again.  
  
The Evil Cup of Tea: Cool. *little thank you of gratefulness*  
  
c[R]ud[E]dly: I'm not too fond of them either, but that's life. I do, but I won't argue my case because I'm too lazy. Basically it's his imagining how they were when they were closest friends but know they aren't. So no kisses, but friendship? Ah well, review anyway! 'Cause you probably won't like this song either so ignore it if you will!  
  
Daintress: You might not think so but look at the way Sirius just radiates the 'I'm with James' vibe! Oh, just ignore me. Thanks.  
  
*  
  
Self Preservation - Chapter 2  
  
*  
  
"Don't."   
  
"Don't what?"  
  
"Let's just get going."  
  
"James!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Fine." Lily stomped off.  
  
I stand frozen, confused. Just 'cause I didn't want to make out. Lily was sometimes too high maintenance. Not that she wasn't a nice person. I was only worrying about Siri. Only problem is, Lily hates Sirius. Not hates. Loathes. I don't see why. He's great. Funny too.   
  
Lily gets so worked up sometimes. Sometimes she goes too far, last year she brought up marriage. I freaked and yelled her out of the room. She never spoke about it again. Until yesterday. That's why we're a little rocky today.   
  
I don't want marriage. I don't want commitment. I don't want children. I don't want the perfect, average 1.5 kids. I definitely don't want to be normal.  
  
*  
  
I want love, but it's impossible  
  
A man like me, so irresponsible  
  
A man like me is dead in places  
  
Other men feel liberated  
  
I want love just   
  
a different kind   
  
*  
  
I don't want to be my parents.  
  
It's funny I should bring them up. No, actually, it's not. My parents got married young. Really young. They were around my age, still in school. My father had an arranged marriage which he didn't want to go along with, my mother hated her parents, who wanted her to marry a medi-wizard.   
  
So my mother and father got together. My father knocked my mother up and then married her. This effectively solved all their problems. Except now they had a brat to look after. They were spoilt rich kids who didn't look out for consequences. My grandparents wouldn't let Cecily, my mother, abort, so there was nothing they could do about it.   
  
Both teens already had a huge inheritance piled up in their Gringotts accounts, so they had it made. If only they weren't tied to each other, and their child. They both decided the best thing to do was just to have the kid and hire a nanny. The second thing they did was something quite common among wizarding families. Father found a mistress. Mother found a lover.   
  
They don't even sleep in the same room. Divorce is unknown of in the wizarding world, it is much more popular with muggles. So they all commit what muggles would call 'adultery'. So much for fidelity. I never liked that both my parents were manipulating, disloyal and selfish. How did they end up in Gryffindor?   
  
*  
  
I can't love, shot full of holes  
  
Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold  
  
Don't feel nothing, just old scars  
  
Toughening up around my heart  
  
*  
  
I never, ever, want to be like my parents. I told Lily I'm saving myself for marriage. She told me that was archaic. I told her she was a bitch. We didn't talk for a week.   
  
When ever I think of marriage or even the dreaded word, commitment, I freeze up. I can't speak and I think of all the times my parents crossed each other's paths and argue. They'd yell. They'd scream. Mother would throw vases, pots, portraits, anything. Father would just swear, occasionally slap her, I excuse those as it's only when she's hysterical.   
  
When I was small, and still thought my parents were like everyone else's and loved me, I got into the middle of one of those fights. After that particular incident Georgia, my nanny, was patching me up because Cecily had thrown a vase at me. Broke on my shoulder, had shards in my arm and left cheek.   
  
Turned out she didn't care whether it was me or father arguing with her. My father really couldn't bring himself to care either.   
  
*  
  
But I want love, just a different kind  
  
I want love, won't break me down  
  
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in  
  
I want a love, that don't mean a thing  
  
That's the love I want, I want love  
  
*  
  
I don't want that kind of love. Or rather, hate. Marriage is not the kind of love I want. It doesn't prove anything other than regret. My parents may be tied, but I'll never make that mistake. I don't want to become the cold bastards they are.  
  
Lily sometimes reminds me of my mother. Irrational. Unreasonable. That's probably why I hate her sometimes.   
  
*  
  
I want love on my own terms  
  
After everything I've ever learned  
  
Me, I carry too much baggage  
  
Oh man I've seen so much traffic  
  
*  
  
She might love me. That would ruin me. I can't hurt her, as much as I hate her sometimes, I can't just dump her and say I've been stringing her along.  
  
I don't want what my parents have. I can't stop thinking that. I know that doesn't work, I've seen what it can do to you.   
  
I can't stop thinking about Sirius though. He's been so... down. And he's slowly inching away from me. I have hardly spoken two words to him since Saturday. Look at him, he's getting thinner everyday! Gaunt is the word. I can't just not do anything.   
  
*  
  
But I want love, just a different kind  
  
I want love, won't break me down  
  
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in  
  
I want a love, that don't mean a thing  
  
That's the love I want, I want love  
  
*  
  
I've got friends, a lot of them actually, the Marauders are my closest friends. Sirius knows everything there is to know about me. Or he used to. Now he seems to pull away from me. Grimace when I touch him. Why? I've never hurt him.   
  
I know my friends love me. I know that I haven't been around them lately. I know I hate myself for it. I also know that I need my friends. I need them far more than they'd ever need me.   
  
If you want to find the true meaning of need you'd just have to take a look at me. I have nothing when my friends aren't around. Nothing but Lily Evans. And I don't even love her. I am pitiful.  
  
*  
  
So bring it on, I've been bruised  
  
Don't give me love that's clean and smooth  
  
I'm ready for the rougher stuff  
  
No sweet romance, I've had enough  
  
*  
  
Lily is every man's dream. She'd be a perfect wife. A perfect mother. A perfect woman. I don't want that! What is wrong with me? I don't want the perfect woman! I want Sirius!  
  
What?  
  
Wait?  
  
Back a bit...  
  
Sirius?  
  
That's new.  
  
*  
  
A man like me is dead in places  
  
Other men feel liberated  
  
I want love just   
  
just a different kind  
  
I want love, won't break me down  
  
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in  
  
I want a love, that don't mean a thing  
  
That's the love I want, I want love  
  
*  
  
I don't want the perfect woman.  
  
But I want Sirius?  
  
What?  
  
I am so confused.  
  
*  
  
I want love, won't break me down  
  
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in  
  
I want a love, that don't mean a thing  
  
That's the love I want, I want love  
  
*  
  
End of Chapter 2  
  
Sorry it's a bit short. Hope you enjoyed it. Please review. 


	3. Chapter Three

Self Preservation  
  
ImmortalFlick  
  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter is not mine.  
  
Thanks to:  
  
c[R]ud[E]dly, Silice-Black, Beseeched by Locomotives and Snuffles2 (merci!)  
  
This chapter we get to see Remus' view and how he helps the two come to their senses! Well, starts to anyway.  
  
*  
  
Self Preservation - Chapter 3  
  
*  
  
One person can have a profound effect on another. And two people...well, two people can work miracles. They can change a whole town. They can change the world.  
  
Diane Frolov and Andrew Schneider  
  
*  
  
Sirius, James and Peter are my best friends. I can tell when there is friction between us, I'm not oblivious. There is most definitely something. Sirius has been quiet. This is not normal by any standards. Sirius just isn't quiet. Never quiet. You hear something breaking, it's Siri. You hear someone shouting, it's him. You hear someone laughing, it's always him! So why not now? Because now Sirius has lost the something that makes him Sirius Black. He's lost James.  
  
This can work both ways. James has lost what belongs to him as well. I'd like to say he's lost his life, but that's quite a statement to make. But he certainly has lost that zing. The zing that began the Marauders. It was safe to say that the whole disintegration of the group had begun with Lily. It wasn't her fault, I suppose. She is a bitch though. She takes a little more out of James everyday.   
  
First, Lily had her eye on James. James had his eye on no one and never had any notions to the contrary. He was too busy living, it was what he did best. He valued freedom, he lived freedom, which was more than some people could say. And Lily can be persuasive, James went right into her lure. I make her sound evil and she is. She really is.  
  
I say this because after that James just seemed to dull. He didn't hang around with us anymore, he didn't laugh as much as he used to. He laughed more than Siri back then, now neither of them are laughing and I miss it. I don't mean to be selfish. I want them to be happy because that's how they deserve to be. They make each other happy.  
  
Peter has noticed too. Noticed that the Marauders are no more. I have to say, it hurts to know that. My friends have stuck by me no matter what, and as a werewolf, that means a lot to me. Now I have to stick by them. I have to fix whatever has gone so amazingly wrong. And it all began with Sirius and James.  
  
Those two were best friends before the Marauders were formed. They were best friends the minute they saw each other on the train. Sirius' family were of the dark sort. Death Eaters, I reckon, though Sirius doesn't talk about them. The rumors say a lot, while most of it's rubbish, there is a speck of truth. Plus the bruises that I've seen in passing glimpses reveal the truth of his family far more than any words. I push him to tell someone, pretending I don't know and probably confusing Sirius to no end. He always has been secretive, it's what makes him such a great prankster. Then there's the smell. Not a bad smell, mind you, that was what set me on the right track.  
  
As a werewolf I have acute senses. There is a light in every tunnel. My sense of smell is one of the most useful. For example, I could say whether Michael Freeman, a fourth year Gryffindor, was telling the truth when he swore he never played that prank on McGonagall. He wasn't, if it mattered. And I can also tell when pheromones are flying. At first, I thought it was just teenage hormones. But then Sirius always smelt strongly of them when James was around. That was what clued me in. It was what made me really notice Sirius' crush on James. And it was more than a crush. It was more than a crush long before I'd known about it.  
  
I approached Sirius last week. I didn't want him to know I knew, but I needed to get him to do something. He was miserable. I needed to push him, but not too hard. I know I was too cryptic, he'll never get the message, and if he doesn't then I'll make him. I told him to move on. But only if he couldn't be happy. He can. He can try.   
  
I may not have much of a future as a werewolf. I don't expect much of one. James, Sirius and Peter insist I would make a great teacher. I'm the one who helps them with their homework, for which they would receive better marks should they not do it the night before it's due. But how many employers would accept a dark creature? There is a lot of debate about the registration. There isn't an official one yet, but there soon will be. A list of every 'dark creature' in Britain.   
  
As I said, I may not have much of a future as a werewolf, but I can aid others in their future. I have no intentions of letting James marry Lily, because I know he doesn't want to. Whereas I have every intention on making my friends happy. Sirius makes James happy. James makes Sirius happy. They make each other happy. What more is there to it? If they're not going to take the initiative and resign themselves to their 'fate' then I'll do it for them. Nothing to it.  
  
After all, the two aren't the quickest brooms of the lot. And neither has a clue when it comes to love. I'm not in any mood to express my thoughts on why. Personally, I think they're perfect for each other, this said with a fear of sounding very sentimental. They're halves of a whole, with James keeping just enough sense to balance Sirius, and Sirius having enough strength to solve any problem. It isn't that James is weak, exactly, just... take Lily for example, he didn't want to hurt her by dumping her, even though it would be good for both of them. Sirius could do that, he had more strength in fighting and in impulse.   
  
James is going to ask Lily one day. He's going to pop the question and never going to mean it. I don't like Lily very much but she deserves more, as does James.   
  
Sirius and James haven't spoken in days. Not on purpose. They just don't live in the same world anymore. Not even in the same universe.   
  
Wait, the portrait's just been thrown open.  
  
James looks like someone's hit him in the face with a broomstick. He's just wandered in, looking more lost than I've ever seen him. I'm not sure what's happened but it looks like something big.  
  
James sees me and I wince at the look in his eyes. There are ways to read people. Better than any mind magic, better than words, it's all in eyes and body language. He's coming towards me.  
  
"Remus?" Here it comes. He wants advice. "Can I talk to you?" This isn't normal advice. There's something... oh. I see.  
  
"About Sirius?"  
  
A shocked little glance. I'm not completely stupid.   
  
"How did- what-" James Potter, lost for words.   
  
"Less 'how did I know?' and more 'how could I not know?'." May as well say it outright.   
  
"There isn't anything to know." So it's new to him after all. I don't think it's new to Sirius.   
  
James does look flustered. I can't stop now, maybe give him a little shove. I put an arm around his shoulder. I whisper quietly. "How often do you pretend to be asleep just to feel him watching you?"   
  
He pulls away, horrified. Oh damn it!   
  
"I'm sorry, James. I'm really sorry. It's a little close to the-" I look around. Maybe here's not the best place. "Why don't we go somewhere else?"  
  
*  
  
End of Chapter 3  
  
What do you think? 


	4. Chapter Four

0-0  
  
James is the untouchable. He is the desirable. He is sexy, proud and utterly brilliant. And I? I am nothing. I am Sirius Black. Hated by his family, disgusted by himself and abandoned by his friends. I'm fooling myself if I think I can have him. I'm fooling myself if I think I could touch him. Even if the opportunity did... pop up, I don't think I could take it. Even if he jumped me, would I push him off and pretend I'm disgusted? I would call him a liar and a bastard. I'm an idiot.  
  
A second ago Remus pulled James aside. He thinks I'm not in the common room but Remus isn't as observant as he thinks. I wonder what was wrong with James. Not that it matters. Lily probably told him to stop drinking or something. James is a little fond of some of the heavier and more prohibited stuff.  
  
He looked confused. Funny that. If I punched him do you think he'd be surprised? It sounds strange but I love him and I want to hit him for not loving me. Is that fair? Well, let it never be said that Sirius Black is a fair person.  
  
I might go over there right now and tell him I never want to talk to him again. But that's too girly for me. Or, as I said, I could hit him. But Remus would hate that.  
  
I despise Lily. I really do. I don't know who to blame my stupid unrequited love on, but Lily seems like a great candidate. And she's a bitch. James probably wants to marry little Lily and have seven kids. She'd make a great mother. Stuff that, she'd probably beat her kids. Hell, I probably would, so who's talking?  
  
I'm so messed up, contemplating my best friend's kids. I'm not even sure if he is my best friend any more. I'm contemplating fucking him until my teeth hurts. And I'm contemplating my slow damnation because of my secret sinful thoughts. But if I die fucking him, who really cares?  
  
I'm a bitter bastard who's uncle hits him and who's dad whips him occasionally, who's in love with a guy and has no friends. I don't do well in classes and have no future. What am I going to be? An auror? I don't think so. Ministry? No. Potions? Definitely not. A failure? I've been told so enough times.  
  
A fucking failure with James. What kind of friend am I? Every second I'm with him all I can think of is touching him. I wouldn't trust me with him drunk. But just the chance... how would he feel? Soft? No, hidden muscles from quidditch. Good looking with a gleam in his eye, James always knew how to lay on the charm, ever since he began here.  
  
I suppose I was in love with him the minute I saw him. The second he walked into the room I looked up to him. But Sirius Black, the little arrogant bastard, didn't look up to anyone.  
  
0-0  
  
"You like Sirius," This is not happening. I'm not listening.  
  
"He's my friend." Remus gives me a patronizing look and I wonder just how close to the full moon it is. That's when he gets blunt.  
  
"He's the kind of friend you want to fuck."  
  
"Don't talk about Sirius that way!" I can't stand the way he says it, it makes it sound so... depraved.  
  
"So it's make love then?" Well that does sound better... but dammit, I'm not supposed to, Sirius is my best friend!  
  
"Bloody hell. I don't know what it is."  
  
"It's a lot more than just brotherly love, isn't it James?"  
  
"Well, if it's brotherly then it's sick." At least I can admit to that.  
  
"Well do something about it!" Remus throws his hands in the air. He says it like it's simple. It's not.  
  
"What am I supposed to do, Remus? You tell me! Walk up to him and say: Hi there, Sirius, brother of mine, wanna fuck?" I don't mean to lose my temper but Remus doesn't understand!  
  
"I can't tell you what to say, because he loves you, not me!"  
  
It takes a second for me to realize what he's just said. And another second to wonder what he's on. "Pardon?"  
  
Remus looks guilty. He glances around nervously. "Forget I said it." It seems like a stupid thing to say, since the words repeat in my head.  
  
"You just said he loves me!"  
  
"Did I?" Bloody... stupid... patronizing...  
  
"Yes, you did." I grind out, ready to strangle him.  
  
"Well, I don't remember that - Look, Siri is streaking!" What? I spin quickly. Just as quickly, I turn back again, realizing my mistake.  
  
Too late, Remus is gone and I'm left wondering if it's true.  
  
0-0  
  
End of chapter 4  
  
Thanks to all the reviewers, your reviews are inspirational, I'm sorry about being so slow to update. 


End file.
